By 
Last time, we found our hero mildly perturbed at the villain Funky Fresh after a round in Gears of War. Will our hero flip out and become Amish, or will he overcome this menace with the help of his favorite Halo endorsed soft drink?
8:00 PM
I go upstairs and take my first bottle of Game Fuel out of the fridge. I open the bottle with that satisfying carbonated release. I sniff this new Mountain Dew’s bouquet trying to observe the classic Mountain Dew base and its new subtleties. I sip a small bit and swish it around in my mouth, but I don’t swallow it. “Not bad,” I say to myself. It tastes different enough from the previous flavors that I can say I’d actually pick this flavor to drink outside this review. Game Fuel has a lemon lime base that doesn’t overpower and it has a slight cherry flavor to it, but it isn’t as strong as Code Red’s cherry explosion. Overall, it tastes much like a Shirley Temple (lemon lime soda mixed with grenadine) but has the added benefit of not needing to buy the ingredients or going to a bar to get it. Plus, this stuff is loaded with caffeine! That’s what I really want out of it! Glorious, glorious caffeine! I feel the familiar call of the Big C begging me to swallow the Game Fuel, but I resist. I’m a professional reviewer now, so I have to test this stuff like some wine-tasting moron. So I spit out the Game Fuel into a bucket and eat some imported smoked Gouda, you know, to cleanse the palette. I repeat this process a few more times until I’ve tasted and spit out the whole bottle. My cat looks at me like I’m nuts, hacks out a fur ball, then goes off to chase a dead cricket.
I open the next bottle. I’m excited now. I finally get to taste the stuff for reals now. I drink a big gulp of Game Fuel and swallow it. I fight the urge with all my being to get into a helicopter, jump out, snowboard off a snowy cliff, parachute down to the ocean, and surf a tsunami to Bangladesh all while yelling, “EXTREME!!!!” I take a few more gulps and slowly come to a horrible conclusion: this may be the best Mountain Dew flavor ever created. “Why’s that horrible, vyse?” you say. I’m telling you this is the worst thing that could ever happen to me. A few years back, I was a Mountain Dew fiend. I’d drink it even for breakfast. I’ve finally gotten myself down to just a bottle a day. Game Fuel is so good that I might start brushing my teeth with it. So I finish the bottle pretty satisfied. I go into my backyard for a couple minutes and play a round of tether ball while I wait for the Big C to kick in.
9:00 PM
I go back into my basement misted with the sweat of the best competitive sport ever and start my second phase of testing. I have to see if the added caffeine in this Mountain Dew really “fuels my game.” I turn in Gears of War once again so I can provide my post-game tally. I’ll put it simply: I play for a half hour and win every match. I don’t just win, I trounce! To my surprise I start destroying everyone in every match. I start to scare myself a little, too, because during moments of high intensity I start yelling at the screen. I even punched myself in the gut after I said, “YEAH, thas how I ROLL!!!” after dodging an explosion and curb-stomping an opponent. I finish a match triumphantly and go into another one. I immediately get fragged and hear a familiar voice over the comset, “Yeah, I rule! Eat my LIZEAD SUCKAH!!!” Funky Fresh was back, with a vengeance. What is this guy’s problem, and how can such a lame guy be so good? I play a few rounds with him and get murdered each time. “You can’t beat me!!! I been suckin’ oh dah Mastah CheeeeeF all DIZAY!!!” he exclaimed. “That’s IT!” I said to myself. I need more Game Fuel.
My initial post-Game Fuel tally:
Wins: 18
Losses: 5
To be continued…
