Duke Nukem: Critical Mass Gets A “T” From The ESRB

Duke Nukem: Critical Mass, an anticipated upcoming work of literary and sexual expression for the Nintendo DS from publisher Koch Media, has been decreed suitable for adolescent youths by the ESRB.

Considering that this is attributed to content descriptors such as “Mild Language,” “Sexual Themes,” and “Violence” — all of which are indeed amongst the many joys of the world that teenagers hold dear — it’s hard to argue. I mean, just look at this hilarious description and see if you can honestly say you would want to deprive any healthy adolescent of his Duke-time:

“This is an action-adventure game in which players take control of a character named Duke Nukem, who must complete objectives such as locating fusion cells and finding missing agents. Players traverse city environments, blow up buildings and vehicles, engage in hand-to-hand combat, and shoot alien creatures that scream out when shot.

 

Players use machine guns, sniper rifles, and rocket launchers to kill the pig-like aliens and other fantasy creatures. The dialogue often contains one-liners with sexual references (e.g., “I need to rescue the babes . . . from their virginity,” “I got time for a quickie,” and “Ménage à trois comes to mind”). In one sequence, the central character enters a casino and offers money to a stripper, telling her to “shake it, baby.” Language such as “a*s” and “bastard” can also be heard in the dialogue.”

There you have it. They may as well go right ahead and put that ratings summary on the back of the box and on their flash ads. It’s the best kind of advertising for a game like Duke Nukem, especially considering that Koch will need something to help it stand out from the shelves of other DS software at retail.

(Seriously guys. Put that on the back of the box.)

Critical Mass, which takes place in the distant future, was originally announced as the first chapter in a trilogy of Duke games for the Nintendo DS, with the second game, Chain Reaction, taking place during the present, and the last chapter, Proving Grounds, taking place in a World War II setting.